Does he ache, like I ache?
Does he feel the present passing like landscapes on a bullet train?
Doesn’t he know?
Doesn’t he know soon it will be time for me to go?
Life speeds up, it doesn’t slow down
A call now, a text, from thousands of miles away.
But I remember when it was just the two of us
When space was in the sky
When he was part of me
When he took his first steps
His first word
His first laugh
Memories still so clear, I don’t even need pictures
But I look at them anyway.

Do you ache like I ache son?
How can you ever know the terror
The dread that I wouldn’t get it done
Wouldn’t get you fed
Wouldn’t be enough?
How can you know the pride in my chest I get when I look at you
But you don’t know what it is to stick it out for decades
Decades before you finally get to rest
Even a little.
By God’s grace, maybe you won’t have to.

I wonder, my love, if you ache like I do
Those lonely nights, when you’re gone.
Do you feel the weight of absence?
Only you know my fear
The feeling of alone
How terrified I am that they all forgot about me
That they put me in a box again
“Oh it’s just her”
When are you coming back?
I need you to see me again.
So I don’t fear.
So I can remember how much I matter.
So I know I’m still here.
So I can tell you how much I love you.
Because I do.

I ache, do you?
Have you felt that breathlessness
Born of a starry night devoid of company?
That terrible intangible that dangles always before us
Where beauty devastates instead of satiates
And what succor there is is lost in the unending sea of awe?
Where the fields hang their silence like an old painting
Suggesting the possibility of answers
But giving none?

Do you ache, old friend?
You closed doors on a life that’s now just a memory
Silent understanding ‘neath the stars in the sky
We opened new doors
You wanted to turn back
But I didn’t
Now those doors are locked
we can’t go back
But life goes on.

Do you feel it, honey
The way I feel, when I see your smile?
Joy that is too beautiful to behold
There’s an ache there. A wish-
That I could be like you are now:
So full of light
Then maybe I could stand to love myself
Even half as much as I love you.

Do you ache, Father
Like I ache now
Stretched out on his hill?
I cry out by day, but you do not answer
By night, but I find no rest
All who see me mock me
They hurl insults, shaking their heads
I am poured out like water
Eloi, Eloi!
Lama Sabachthani!
Yet You are enthroned as the Holy One
And You will not let me see decay.

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